Leave it to three memaws to perfectly sum up Kim Kardashian in one simple sentence: "She's just laying there!" I became these three memaws' fan at "His tongue is as long as his dick!" and I became their biggest fan at "His nose is in her cligh-toris!"
Do they take requests, because I need them to guide me through the Chyna sex tape. Shit, I need them to guide me through all sex tapes. They need their own show on Comedy Central. They can call it Granny Got Porn or Werther's Original Theater 2012.
But sometimes, something so bad happens that a terrible sadness is carried with it and the soul can't rest. Then sometimes, just sometimes, the crow can bring that soul back to put the wrong things right"
The pervy kid from your Sunday School class has a brand new anthem. Now get a taste of his potion and do it in slow motion:
“I log in on Facebook / And I start to look at them pics / And it make my dick so hard / I feel the pressure rising girl / Rising for you / And I’m finna jack off / Jack off to you / Girl you got me feeling, feeling like I love you / And I want you, I’m jacking off to you”
A pensioner and his wife are evicted from their multi-million euro home in one of the Ireland's most exclusive neighbourhoods.
Footage taken by a neighbour and posted online shows Irish police and baliffs removing Asta Kelly, 63 and her husband Brendan, 71 from their five-bedroom house in St Matthias Wood, Killiney, Co Dublin. The couple were evicted on Wednesday after falling behind on mortgage payments, believed to total around €2 million, to the Anglo Irish Bank. Neighbours looked on in horror as the couple, who have lived in the luxury house for eight years, were brought screaming from their home after bailiffs reportedly forced their way through the front door with a crowbar. Mr and Mrs Kelly then refused to leave the front driveway of their home, but were eventually manhandled off the property by bailiffs as police prevented bystanders attempts to intervene. The elderly couple, who have a portfolio of rental properties, are now camped outside the house for which they reportedly paid €3.4 million and is now on the market for €2.2 million. After the eviction, Mr Kelly told Irish media that he had previously attempted to renegotiate their mortgage with their bank, and that the couple wanted to regain entry to their home. "I want to get back into my house. My office is there. I can't work…We have no clothes. We have been put out of our family home."I talked to (the bank the day before yesterday) and asked them to postpone the eviction…Finances have somewhat improved in the last two or three weeks. They refused to postpone it."
The video has prompted much consternation in Ireland with protests at the Dublin sheriff's office and the country's deputy prime minister calling the scenes "distressing".
However, the Kellys' plight has been looked upon less sympathetically by others who feel little pity for the asset-rich couple who claim lease agreements prevent them from moving into one of their other properties.
Having previously run a successful textile business in northern Germany, the pair sold up and invested their money in the Irish property market before the country's economy crashed in 2008.
Good news, ladies! Society has discoveredanother new thing that's wrong with you, which means another opportunity for you to make yourself more attractive for your man. Score! Turns out, the color of your vagina is gross and everyone hates it. So bleach that motherfucker. Bleach it right now!
In this commercial for an Indian product called Clean and Dry Intimate Wash, a (very light-skinned) couple sits down for whatwould have been a peaceful cup of morning coffee—if the woman's disgusting brown vagina hadn't ruined everything! The dude can't even bring himself look at her. He can't look at his coffee either, because it only reminds him of his wife's dripping, coffee-brown hole! Fortunately, the quick-thinking woman takes a shower, scrubbing her swarthy snatch with Clean and Dry Intimate Wash ("Freshness + Fairness"). And poof! Her vadge comes out blinding white like a downy baby lamb (and NOT THE GROSS BLACK KIND) and her husband—whose penis, I can only assume, is literally a light saber—is all, "Hey, lady! Cancel them divorce papers and LET'S BONE."
Needless to say, certain citizens are troubled by this product—which, in addition to just being fucking insane, brings up painful issues about the hierarchy of skin tone within the Indian community. As if it isn't bad enough that darker-skinned people are encouraged to stay out of the sun and invest in skin-bleaching products like Fair & Lovely, and that white actresses arebeing imported to play Indian people in Bollywood movies, now everyone has to be insecure about the fact that their vaginas happen to be the color that vaginas are??? Splendid! God, I was just saying the other day that my misogyny didn't have enough racism in it.
So what are the pro-vadge-bleaching people thinking? Here's a hilarious explanation from a male ad exec:
It is hard to deny that fairness creams often get social commentators and activists all worked up. What they should do is take a deep breath and think again. Lipstick is used to make your lips redder, fairness cream is used to make you fairer-so what's the problem? I don't think any Youngistani today thinks the British Raj/White man is superior to us Brown folk. That's all 1947 thinking!
The only reason I can offer for why people like fairness, is this: if you have two beautiful girls, one of them fair and the other dark, you see the fair girl's features more clearly. This is because her complexion reflects more light. I found this amazing difference when I directed Kabir Bedi, who is very fair and had to wear dark makeup for Othello, the Black hero of the play. I found I had to have a special spotlight following Kabir around the stage because otherwise the audience could not see his expressions.
See? It makes perfect sense. We just want our vaginas to reflect more light—is that so wrong? I mean, WHAT IF MY CAR BREAKS DOWN AT NIGHT AND I DON'T HAVE A REFLECTIVE ENOUGH VAGINA? Really, the ultimate one-vagina-to-rule-them-all would glow in the dark like one of those deep-sea fishes. I need my vagina to attract more krill so my husband will fuck me again! (My husband is a whale.)
Basically the idea is to get as far away as possible from any color that vaginas actually come in. Because that's what's at the heart of this type of thinking—the perfect vagina would be something that's not a vagina at all.
Plenty of rumors have been flying around about a Whitney Houston biopic, and the late singer’s daughter, Bobbi Kristina Brown, allegedly wants to take on the role should a film be put into production.
While no plans for a movie have been made public, Bobbi Kristina is reportedly telling friends that she is the perfect person to play her mother because no one knew the iconic singer better.
Rihanna also recently revealed that she would “love” to play Houston in a film based on her life.
“That would be something that I would have to give my entire life to do, because I would really want to pull it off,” said the singer. “That’s a huge, huge role and whoever does it has to do a good job.”
Because all of us want to look as sexy and svelte as possible even as we piss ourselves, Depend has come out with a line of ultra slim piss pads that won't give you diaper lines, and they've hired 48-year-old Lisa Rinna of all hos to push that shit in a new commercial. I know Lisa's career is in the shit can and her lips could win first place in a throbbing hemorrhoid look-alike contest, but besides that what does she have to do with bowel movements? I guess Depend is saving Fergie for their new collection of diaper g-strings,Hugh Jackman for their line of diaper speedos and Gérard Depardieu for their line of control-top french cut piss catchers. Whatever. Lisa's collagen worm lips aren't going to plump themselves, so I say, piss yourself to a check, Lisa Renal!
